it's been awhile since i last blogged.

went to hang out with Choy at 100 yen,

again, talked crap for hours there.

i realised there are a lot of things i do not know of.

i want to know more.






but that kind of talk reminds me of no one except her.

the whole time,

i was reminded of her.

it was difficult.

i kept reminding myself that i am just desperate.

i didn't regret for doing it.

i wouldn't.

i was just desperate because i'm lonely.

that is it.

nothing more.

i didn't miss her,

nor want a future with her.

desperate, that's all.






but that thought kept coming back

every day,

i think of her,

but i just do not have the courage to talk to her again.

i'm afraid i might regret it.

i might just going to end up hurting her,

if not hurting myself.

either way,

one of us are going to get hurt.

i do not want the cold treatment she'll be giving me

since that was the way she treated me last before the break off.

and then i broke it off

so i'm guessing i'll get the same reaction again?

since i was being such an asshole

because at that time i was influenced by the devil's whisper

which i regret so much right now

there was a devil beside me but i didn't notice it at all

that was slowly killing me from inside,

eating me up and burning me alive

and right now,

healing is painful.

the scars will be there.

though i'm happy the devil doesn't come to me anymore,

but the scars remain.







she seems to be living fine now,

is it okay for me to reappear and bother her again?

i might just ruin her life again.

and i risk ruining my own life too.





however,

i'm in the mood right now

if i want to PM her on FB

it's just a click away.

should i or should i not?

most probably not.





like i said,

i'll keep convincing myself that i'm just lonely.

desperate.

i'll bear with that till i go to college

and get myself someone new.

can i do it?

i don't know.

i've been hesitating about it for

how many months?

i don't know.

around 3.

i bet she'll be refusing me in her life anyway.

should i give it a try?

break me or break her

most likely i'll be the one broken.








but i imagine

even if she accepts my friend request,

what will our conversation be about?

it's going to be boring.

nothing to talk about,

awkward.

since it seems like i'll be the one calling her on chat

and starting the conversations,

asking her questions,

it doesn't seem like she'll be interested in my life.

i am not interesting from the start.

and i have not changed much since last time,

except that i've turned into an asshole

there's not much to update her about.

and let's say

if she's turning out like what i'd expected,

what will i do?

delete her from my list again?

or simply hide her from my home feed,

and everytime i see her name on my chat list,

be reminded of the past and clutch my chest?

i can't do anything if she refuse to open up to me.

i once told her,

"give me some time if i ever behave like that again."

but she didn't.

i don't know,

maybe it's my fault for being such an asshole,

or the devil's for whispering into my ear

anyway, i've done it

no turning back.







let's not talk about the past,

let's think about the future.

do it or not?

i can tell no one about this,

they don't understand how i feel.

i've been keeping quiet,

my blog's my only friend.

i've even forgotten about how to make friends.

i suck.

i want to end this post but

seems like there's so much more i'd like to ramble about.

everything's messed up,

so i'll just end here.

this was a long post anyway.

haven't posted this long in ages.




#whatislove?

Labels: January 2012